Firstly, I want to apologize that this blog has become more of a hangout where I feature other authors. I'm not sorry for having guest authors over, because personally I have found a lot of the books that are pimped on here interesting and have added them to my TBR pile. I am sorry that I'm not blogging enough about my own books, and the reason for that will tie in with what I am going to say below.
If you follow me on social media - Facebook, Goodreads, TSU or Twitter - apart from my posting links to guest authors you may - or may not - have noticed I've been rather quiet the last few weeks; not that I have ever been an author who posts constantly, but I don't know, I feel I haven't really been around the last few weeks and the reason for that is that I've had to do a lot of thinking about my life; what I want, what I don't want, what I think would be best for me at this point in time and I think I have figured stuff out, but it has kinda exhausted me, which is why I haven't been "around."
I'm an over thinker. It isn't healthy. It isn't always necessary, but I tend to go over and over things in my head. The decisions I have had to make recently aren't even drastic or huge decisions, but naturally they are the beginning of the process of change, and I think we all tend to get into a daily routine, we become comfortable with our situation, and sometimes - or at least with me - I become overly aware of that change. Does that make sense?
Once upon a time I had a dream. It was a big dream or well, my big dream. I kept this dream and worked at it all the way until the age of 18 and then I fell out of love with zed dream, and turned my attention to a smaller dream. I've worked hard at this smaller dream and love it, and I don't regret the way I have spent the last nine years of my life, but part of me has always longed for my big dream and it has taken me until this point in time to see that I have been scared, and have doubted myself, my talent, abilities and even my appearance and character. I have believed this dream to be impossible, which is stupid, because nothing is impossible if you are willing to work for it. I have settled for the routine that I have fallen into and I'm unhappy. I have depression. I hate saying it because people look at you as if you're wanting pity, or attention, or just saying it as an excuse, and they don't understand. I hate the way I feel most days. I hate the way I feel when I'm depressed; how much a part of me wants to give up because I can't cope. I have depression and it ruins things in ways that I never even thought possible. Part of me believes I've never followed my heart because of fear, but also because of my depression. I want to be a happier person, or at least someone who is content. I want to do things that make me happy rather than doing things because I feel I must or because I'm scared to stop doing them.
I still want to achieve my big dream and if I don't try now while my life is my own and I have few responsibilities, I will regret it.
So, figuring this out I have had to make a plan to sort myself out and my life, which I have. Don't worry, I'm not giving up writing. I wont stop writing or stop creating stories. Stories come to me so I believe I should write them. Why be gifted a story and an imagination if you don't use it or share them? I love writing. I love creating, but what has happened is - and I hate to ruin my mystique as an author - my day job, every day job I've ever had gets in the way. Since I started writing I have taken part-time jobs because I wanted the time to write and produce and publish books. I wanted the time and the energy to nurture my stories, but my day job ends up become my priority, and that's not right.
"Ignoring your passion is slow suicide. Never ignore what your heart pumps for. Mold your career around your lifestyle, not your lifestyle around your career."
I'm not 100% sure who said that or where I read it, but it stood out to me. Now, some people reading that will say, "it's not so easy." No it isn't. You need to be smart. You need to support yourself. We all have responsibilities. I have always been career orientated. When my friends were crushing on boys - and I did crush a little - I was dreaming. My career has always been important to me, and I am doing one fraction of it, but I am not spending my time or energy on my passion, and it is suicide. Every day I go into my day job I feel like my soul is curling up into a ball and slowly dying. That my sound nuts to you, but it's how I feel. I am bored, and drained, and fed-up.
So, I have made the decision to change jobs. I found a job that lets me choose what I want to work instead of being told what I'm working. I need a job because I have yet to write a big bestseller that will allow me to live off the royalties and write to my hearts content. So, until that happens, if it ever happens, I must have job. But my books are my priority. I want more time to write. It bugs me that I'm not hitting my wordcount every week. It bugs me that I can't manage to write two or more books a year for you all and myself. I said I wouldn't watch the progress of other authors and compare, but I can't help it. I don't write as much as I want for a number of reasons and it does bug me, but hopefully that will change and soon.
It is the lack of writing which means I don't write a lot of blog posts because I feel I have nothing much to say, but that's bad of me. Even if I don't have an essay to write I should still blog once in a while. So, I promise to start rectifying that. I promise I will try and write one blog every week or fortnight, but you will find I'm on Facebook more than anywhere else, and I might not say a lot, but I do post status updates more then I blog.
Being an author is one of my passions. Being an author, writing stories is my priority along with my big dream. Everything else has to fit in around them.
My big dream, which I'm keeping to myself, I am starting in this next month. I have a plan. I have a goal. This time next year I hope to reach that goal and then I will take the next step and then the next. It is a dream that - like being a writer - may take a while to lift off the ground, but I am determined to try and if I never get anywhere then at least I can say I tried. At least I can say I wasn't afraid to try.
I have no idea if I have confused or lost you, but to put it in a nutshell; I have been quiet the last few weeks due to make some decisions about the direction of my life. I feel better about what I have decided and I'm in the process of turning thoughts in to actions. And now that I have done that I can carry on with Blood Book 2, which I have unfortunately neglected due to feeling like utter crap and driving myself crazy these last few weeks.
On March 11th Blood 2 was up to 23.3k I haven't written anything since then. I have spent this last week reading through Cranberry Blood (Blood Series: Book One) to double check some things before I continue. I am still planning on releasing Blood 2 this summer. I tend to send my beta reader a chapter at a time, which I have already started doing so that when I finish the books, she will have almost finished the book and then I can edit and then send it to my editor. I find it easier to concentrate on individual chapters. It means I can tweak without having to go to far backward.
So far my beta is liking what she has read, which is great, but I am very aware that five years has passed between writing She-Wolf and Cranberry Blood and Untitled Blood Book Two, and I have to say I am nervous. From reading through Cranberry again I can see and hear how my voice has matured as a writer - which is a good thing - and I'm just kinda worried if that will ruin the story somehow. I don't think it will. The world is the same, the characters. The story is hopefully good and you will all hopefully enjoy it, but well, I'm an author. We worry about these things.
Anyway, I'm reading the last couple of chapter of Cranberry Blood tomorrow and then I am going to start reading from the beginning of Blood Two. So reading straight through from Book One to Two, and then I will crack on with the second instalment of the adventure.
Sorry for the rant, but even if it seems I haven't been somewhat absent these last few weeks I feel that I have and I felt it was only right to let you know why. And to update you on where I am at with Blood 2.
Thank you for your time, your patience, and your support.
You're all awesome! Have a fab weekend. :)